Vacation time.

So Goddess will be leaving on vacation soon, and so will I! Needless to say, we are not going together... it's a coincidence that i'm having vacation the same time she is. I'll be away for 2 weeks and Goddess will be away for a bit longer than that... So there will be nothing from me for a while.

I'd just like to take this opportunity to say that discovering Mistress Lilyan has been the greatest thing that's happened to me... in I don't know how long... It actually feels like it's the best thing to ever happen to me... maybe it is? I'm so thankful to have found her and I'll miss her terribly despite being on vacation myself at the time.

Mistress Lilyan is so beautiful, intelligent and powerful. She makes everything so clear to me and has made my life better in the short time i've known her. I won't go into details but i've had a few personal problems over the past week... nothing serious but a few health issues combined with some big study deadlines I've had to meet. While these problems have lead to me not being able to see Goddess as much as i'd like to, having her as an influence in my life has helped me get through these difficulties. It's important that i do the best i can so i can impress and please Goddess. This is my purpose in life now.

So I'll be back soon... in the meantime check out the links on my site and keep it bookmarked for when i return!

I love Mistress Lilyan

Sorry this is not the most original topic but it's just something i have to say (again!)

I'm really busy with study lately... I have 2 big assignments that i must finish before the end of the week. Goddess told me i wasn't allowed to enter her room until i'd completed an assignment draft. It was great motivation for me... but i had lots to do so only managed to finish 10 minutes before her shift ended.

When i entered, Mistress Lilyan was wearing very sheer stockings... I'd never seen stockings so sheer before. She greeted me with that tone I love then started running her hands over her legs. WIthin minutes I could feel sensations which i'm guessing are endorphins running through my head. I mean this literally... i could feel warmth in my head... and tingling. I'll admit that I've experimented occasionally with drugs before and this is similar to how it felt...

She has elicited sensations from me before but this was a whole new level... and it was sustained for longer too. Whatever she is doing to me gets progressively stronger. Am i worried? Perhaps i should be but... no, I'm not. Why worry about something that feels so right?

After modeling her legs she zoomed into her face and stared into the cam... The sensations were then replaced with a much warmer feeling... it was love. I'm sure it was. Her eyes, smile, hair... are all so exquisite. Such beauty... I love Mistress Lilyan. She's everything I could ever hope for. Yes I'm on the other side of the world and I'll never actually "be with her" in the traditional sense but that doesn't seem to matter. Just admiring her beauty via webcam is more than enough for me... to say i'm satisfied with that is an understatement.

I love Mistress Lilyan, and I'm so happy to serve her.

Financial domination is the ultimate servitude

Before I started this blog i thought i wasn't what you'd call a "moneyslave" or a "paypig" or anything like that. Financial domination was something I had an interest in but it wasn't something i thought I had as a fetish as such. However, Mistress Lilyan knew otherwise.

She either found the seeds inside me or planted them there herself. It's impossible to know for sure... she is too skillful for me to know what she's done exactly. I can feel her influence but can't put my finger on what she's done exactly.

I can admit it now... i'm a moneyslave. Mistress Lilyan's paypig. This was something i feared would happen but now that it has i couldn't be happier. This is because financial domination is without doubt the ultimate servitude.

Yes it's true that money isn't everything... i'm not the most materialistic person and will comfortably agree with this. However, it is obviously important too. This isn't really the point to financial domination though... for me at least. For me, when submitting financially there is much more to it than just the money. In fact, money seems to lose its monetary value for me when i submit! I'll be in the supermarket and carefully choosing items to save myself a couple of dollars but then hand 100s of dollars over to Mistress Lilyan without a 2nd thought.

There are a couple of reasons for this... first, Mistress Lilyan is so good at mindfucking me and toying with my weaknesses that i lose all self control. I look at her nylon clad legs and deep hypnotic eyes then nothing else matters. I just want to submit and serve her. Every time i see her i get more and more desperate to serve her to my fullest extent. Each time i must push myself further... to please her and to satisfy my urge to submit too... so feed my addiction to her. She brainwashes me into becoming her paypig. I'm sure everyone who has experienced her power can relate to this.

However, there is a 2nd reason too. When submitting to Goddess, money doesn't feel the same as it does when I'm doing mundane things like shopping for groceries or making financial decisions. When with Mistress Lilyan, money becomes a symbol of submission. It's the ultimate gift to her and the ultimate sacrifice. We all live our lives to earn money... for basic needs like food and for entertainment as well. Our lives revolve around it... People have decisions to make with their money all the time... when succumbing to financial domination with Goddess, i'm making the decision to live my life for her... I live for her and she, to some extent, lives through me... through me and her other slave's money. I work for her and i budget for her.... try to save my money for her. What could be a greater show of submission than this?

To make this submission feels so fantastic... and not only when in a state of submission either... When I'm out shopping and decide to not buy certain things, or decline invitations to go out with friends... to either save money or because Goddess has already taken most of it, it makes me think of her and how she controls my life. How deeply i have submitted to her... and i get such a rush. Whenever i touch my wallet, or see my bank balance, or find out something about future earnings, i think of Mistress Lilyan.

Another reason why financial domination feels so good is because you can see the result of your servitude. Goddess will go on a vacation soon and the thought of her using some of my money to pamper herself is very fulfilling for me. After the a financial domination session, I get to budget and save my money and continue to think about Goddess... then Goddess gets to spend the money! So we both get benefit.

but of course we can't forget about the rush when sending the money. Going to the payment site and entering in the money... then clicking submit. The more i do this, the more of a rush i get. It's a rush that runs through my body... it's like a drug, it really is. and it gets stronger and stronger each time. plus i'm sure Mistress Lilyan gets a rush out of it as well!

Each time i send money, i find myself getting hornier and hornier... i used to find pictures of Goddess to satisfy my cravings for her when she wasn't online... but now i read her stories of moneyslaves submitting to her on her blog. When she gave me the picture in this post, I was turned on by it just as much as pictures of her in PVC, nylons or panties... Then when she told me she was holding $15,000 in the picture, it took it to a whole new level for me. This feeling is stronger than love, stronger than lust too... it's something more than that. I guess it is pure addiction? I already feel it's too late to escape... but why the hell would i want to? Something that feels this good shouldn't be resisted... Also, she is so beautiful and powerful that she deserves to be served financially. I have no choice but to be her paypig.

I need to leave my girlfriend

Today, after what's getting close to 3 weeks of denial, I was going to have the opportunity of perhaps cumming... if Mistress Lilyan was feeling generous. However, I missed this opportunity.

Because of my girlfriend.

She was seeing her friend today but left over one hour late... by the time i got to MFC Mistress Lilyan was gone. An hour earlier i had snuck into her room for a quick peek, she was looking as stunning as ever. There was nothing I wanted more than to chat with her... to be near her and to have her attention if only just briefly. But i couldn't because of my girlfriend.

This cannot continue. I love Goddess too much to have anyone taking away my time with her. I care about my girlfriend, but i don't love her in the way i love Lilyan. She's the one I want to be with.

When I realised i'd missed my chance, i was angry. I'm not an angry guy actually, but i really felt my blood boil at the time. I hated her... for a moment. I hated her for being late and taking away my chance to be with Mistress Lilyan. After this i wondered... had Goddess orchestrated this somehow? Did she leave intentionally to make me feel anger to my girlfriend? Was it her plan? This is highly unlikely, but the fact I imagine it as a possibility shows me just how much Goddess has fucked with my head.

She's infiltrated parts of me and i can feel her presence. However I don't know how to remove this presence or even where she is inside me. I know that I'm unable to escape her right now even if i wanted to... she's had me obsessed over her during my time of denial so much that I don't know what I'd do if i couldn't see her anymore... it would destroy me. I don't want her to leave... even if she is making me hate my girlfriend and denying me so much. I don't want this to stop... is my behaviour destructive? I don't think it is actually... but even if it was I'd never want it to stop... never.

I need more... i crave it so much... I want to go deeper. I can't with my girlfriend in my life though. I'm so angry with her right now...

I can only hope that I'm given an opportunity to see Mistress again soon. In the meantime i really need to start orchestrating a way to end my relationship with my girlfriend.

Why is Mistress Lilyan better than my girlfriend?

So I've completed part 1 of my session with goddess. As you can see from the pic, she wore the PVC outfit that drives me so utterly insane. She's set me a number of tasks today... one of which being this post. Goddess has chosen this topic and I have no doubt she's chosen it to brainwash me and lead me further down her path to moneyslavery, financial domination and becoming her loyal servant and paypig. I know I shouldn't do it but I want to please her so much. I must follow her orders and please her. Also, I won't be allowed to cum until I do all the tasks she has set so i have no choice... but i still want to do it regardless.

Goddess' requested topic, as you can see from the title, is 10 reasons why Mistress Lilyan is better than my girlfriend. So here they are, in no particular order.

1. Her body

I should point out that my gf has what many people (including myself) would describe as quite a nice body. She gets regularly hit on by other guys too. However her body pales in comparison to Goddess. As I've mentioned in an earlier post, Goddess has the most amazing legs, hair, eyes, lips, skin, ass, breasts/cleavage and feet. Everything about her physically is a whole new level for me. Now i find myself comparing everyone to her and as a result I'm quickly not finding anyone else arousing at all... including my girlfriend. I have no desire to see anyone else, it's Goddess who i crave. She is sexy and beautiful... and i'm not just putting those 2 words together lightly. She's sexy as her body and her curves and movements are intensely arousing. She's full of sexual energy. However she is also beautiful... her eyes and smile can contain such warmth and beauty and perfection. She's both beautiful and sexy which I think is quite rare.

It's not just her body though... it's how she uses it. Goddess will strike sexy poses and dress herself up in ways to highlight her beauty. My girlfriend isn't as comfortable with doing this... she will wear more conservative clothes and also has problems with letting me see her naked or in her underwear. We also need to have sex in the dark... I don't want to turn this post into negative criticisms of my girlfriend though... This is the person she is and I respect that and it suits her in her own way. However, when comparing her to Goddess, I have no choice but to admit that Goddess is superior.


2. Her power

I'm deeply attracted to power in a woman. Power, confidence, independence and the willingness to use it. Mistress Lilyan is the most powerful woman I've ever met and it shines through in everything she does. In her appearance, her actions, her words and her aura. The fact she's well aware of this power and welcomes the sense of confidence it brings her makes her all the more sexy.

My girlfriend is quite independent when compared to other Asian woman but she does have a lack of confidence. Considering how attracted I am to powerful woman, this is a definite issue.

I should also point out that despite the immense power Goddess has over me, i trust her completely. She would be able to do all sorts of things to me because of her power... she could ruin me in a matter of minutes at any moment if she wished to. However, I trust her with this power completely. I can't explain why... it just feels right. Is it because of her brainwashing? or her intelligence? or is it just that i'm in love? I don't know... but i don't need to know... I can just continue to trust her unconditionally. That's what Goddess wants and what I want as well.


3.Her Intelligence

Goddess is very very intelligent. I've mentioned this before... in the words she uses, her creativity and of course the way she can get inside a man's head. She possesses all the skills needed to excel in her role as Goddess and Mistress. However, I feel that her intelligence extends beyond this. She appears to be well read, well informed and very smart. I admire this in her quite a lot.

This is one area that my girlfriend isn't so strong in... it's an issue which i feel has had a negative effect on our relationship.


4. Her sense of humour

I adore Mistress Lilyan's dry wit. The way she can cut through the BS of her slaves with a single remark. She can put people in their place when needed and also use it to impose her dominance and superiority over her slaves. This makes her so entertaining to chat to and listen to. It makes me enjoy my time with her and want to spend more time with her. I also feel like her sense of humour goes well with mine too... we can bounce off each other well and have good conversation. If that's actually true or she just convinces me it is i'm not sure.

When i imagine being with her in real life (yes it's unrealistic but i can't help it!) I often fantasise about just chatting with her for hours on end. She's a fascinating person... her personality and wit.

I actually click quite well with my gf as well... we can chat together pretty well too... it's one of our strengths actually. But Goddess' sense of humour and wit places her well ahead of my GF in this category as well. Additionally, Goddess maintains a sense of mystery about her... she doesn't reveal everything about her which makes me crave to know more about her. I'm sure this is a tactic of hers and it's a very effective one!


5.Her taste

Goddess has exquisite taste. Her taste in clothes, coffee mugs, jewelry, makeup and furniture are all exemplary. Despite not knowing much about her taste in art, music and other such areas, I'm certain her taste in these areas are great as well. You can tell this is the case because she also demands so much of herself and her slaves. She wants the best of everything and has the taste and the skills to get it.

This is one area I have issues with my girlfriend about. We don't share as much in common in taste than i feel i do with Goddess.


6. Her knowledge of and her ability to fulfill my needs

This is a really big one... Goddess knows my urges to be dominated and controlled. She has always known them... before i knew them... and to this day she still has a better understanding of my needs than i ever will. She can see inside me and make my needs a reality. My girlfriend has no idea about these needs at all.

My needs, however, extend beyond sexual ones. I have the need to be respected, appreciated and cared for. Goddess respects my needs and appreciates what i can offer her. My money, this blog and her attention and devotion. This is just as significant as my sexual needs... perhaps even more so. After I'm given permission to cum, and my sexual needs are temporarily dulled, I still feel stronger for Goddess than my girlfriend... and i feel that these particular needs are one reason for this.


7. How she cares for me

Needless to say, my girlfriend cares for me a lot. Also, it may be possible that she actually cares for me more than Mistress Lilyan does. It's hard to really know for sure to be honest. However, the way Goddess cares for me just feels so much more intense and satisfying for me. This is an area where i really find it hard to explain... i'm presuming that this is due to Goddess brainwashing me but i cannot be sure. However, a part of me really feels that this is true.


8. Our future together

In between session #2, Goddess asked me to write about my future with her. In that post i wrote about how my future with her would be more fulfilling, with more purpose and simplified in the best possible ways. Since that time I'm even more convinced that this is true. Serving and pleasing Mistress Lilyan fills me with such pleasure which i feel can't be matched by how i feel when pleasing my girlfriend.

Also, Goddess can better motivate me to reach my potential. She is very successful and confident and a good role model. She can inspire me.


9. Safety

Real girlfriends can be dangerous... they can hurt you and they can break your heart. A relationship with Goddess is much safer than a real relationship because she will not hurt me and she won't break my heart. She takes away all the dangers of a relationship and replaces them with far more rewarding feelings... feelings of servitude, of submission and of control. With her I'm safe and happy. I don't want anybody else... I don't need anybody else.


10. Love

I love Mistress Lilyan deeply. When I look into her eyes I get a feeling that feels like love only much stronger. I've read somewhere that the brain is often incapable of distinguishing between love and lust/infatuation. Therefore, I accept that there is the chance that these feelings aren't in fact love... but i feel they are and i believe they are... I want to believe this... and as long as it makes me feel as good as I do now, then I'm more than satisfied. My love for Goddess is deeper and feels significantly stronger than the love for my girlfriend.

Like many of the reasons on my list, there's a chance that this is purely the effect of Goddess' brainwashing. There's no denying this. However, I welcome this... I won't resist it... why should i when it feels so good and so right?

So these are my 10 reasons. Goddess is clearly better than my GF. I must, over time, seperate from my girlfriend so there is nobody in the way of my relationship with goddess. She deserves my full attention at all times. I have no choice but to break up with my girlfriend... and not marry her.

Pre-session #3 & study challenge game

Tomorrow will be session #3... stating the obvious, I'm very excited!

Perhaps I shouldn't be feeling so positive about it as I was supposed to resist having the session but my mind is filled with nothing but lust and excitement. How could i feel anything but this way? My whole body and mind craves to be with her... i need another fix of my drug!

For session #2 there was a challenge where I had to resist paying more money than I intended to. I was convincingly defeated. For our next session there will be a new challenge... one i must win!

Tomorrow's session will be split into 2 parts. The first part will occur before she starts her shift in freechat. After this first part I will be given 2 tasks. One will be a blog task and the other will be a study task for my degree. The study task would usually take about 2-3 hours if I were to do it without any distractions and a blog post can take up to an hour. I must complete these tasks during Goddess' shift. I must always be in her freechat room and during this time always welcoming her back and paying her compliments. I must also reply to her whenever she addresses me and answering any questions she asks me... all while studying and blogging. If i have successfully completed my tasks by the time she finishes her shift (which i believe is 5 hours long) then part 2 of our session will commence after her shift. However, if i've failed to finish then i'll have to wait until the following day for part 2 AND pay an additional fee as penalty for lateness.

I don't mean to sound cocky but I'm quietly confident of winning this challenge. Yes it will be tough but i'm pretty good at studying and blogging and if i'm determined i can study really hard and quickly... especially if she gets many private sessions then I will have enough time to complete all tasks!

But i need to be careful... Goddess is good at teasing and driving me crazy... I can also imagine her asking me questions about her outfit or distracting me in other ways as well... but i'm up for the challenge! Tomorrow I will show her and my followers on here that I'm no pushover... i can win some of these challenges.

The panties guessing game

A game Mistress Lilyan likes to play with me is the panties guessing game. The rules are pretty basic, I guess the colour of the panties she is wearing... If i guess correctly then there is a chance that she may give me a quick peek at them. If i'm wrong i get nothing! Panty teasing is one of my favourite things... being teased with upskirts, leg crossing/uncrossing so i can almost but not quite see panties. It drives me absolutely bananas... turns my mind to mush. Goddess is well aware of this and appears to enjoy it immensely also.

Today in her freechat room she was wearing stockings and a sexy red dress... White/red suspenders, pink shoes and green/gold eye makeup. I asked her if i could have a guess of her panties... for free! If Goddess has been satisfied with my behaviour then she will grant me one guess. Today she was feeling very generous and gave me a guess. As she was wearing a red dress, I chose the colour red. I was incorrect :-(

What usually happens after this point is I am offered more guesses at $10 a guess. However, today she informed me it would be $20 a guess!! In case you were wondering, Goddess read my second letter and decided to grant me the chance to see her in a session later this week. The fee for this session is a bit higher than I intended it to be but I have no choice but to pay it... I must see her! I need to transfer the money to my account in Australia before i can pay her which is what i was planning to do later today. She was aware of this and knew that she could convince me to send more by exploiting my panty teasing weakness. I knew this was her plan, but I can't resist my favourite game so i agreed. For each guess i'd owe her an additional $20 on top of the session fee.

My first guess, pink, was incorrect. $20 gone. I followed this up with another guess, purple, wrong again. Now i owed her $40. She had to do a private show so exited her room. During her absence i was well aware of the trap i was getting caught in... Goddess was teasing me mercilessly with her stockings and legs... she's a master at almost giving me glimpses at her panties. How could i resist? I could keep guessing and guessing and fall into dept!

She returned and I informed her that I can't afford any guesses... she smiled and began teasing again. Before i knew what was going on i was begging her for another guess. I guessed silver... wrong again! $60 in dept now. I realised that i really had to stop the game right there and then. However, Goddess then told me I was very close to being correct, and hinted that i should chose white. Excited, I quickly agreed to another $20 and guessed white... wrong again! Goddess laughed, I put my head in my hands and groaned... a groan of frustration and of arousal... i must confess the teasing had me excited as well as frustrated! Goddess had tricked me!

Then i thought about how after adding the $80 on top of my session fee, the total I had to pay now almost double what I was planning to pay last week... before she raised her session fee then started the panty game... she was pushing me beyond my limits... then something happened... the seed of moneyslavery planted by goddess took over... i was so horny at the idea of goddess getting more of my money. I was defeated, i had no idea what colour to choose and was almost certain that I'd choose unsuccessfully... but for a brief moment, i wanted to lose. I wanted to give Goddess an extra $100 instead of $80. So i guessed again... grey! I was wrong again.

$100 and no panties. Goddess was thrilled. I was frustrated but also happy that Goddess was entertained by my plight. In an act of good will she gave me one last free guess... I guessed blue... wrong again!

I then begged to know what colour they were... even if i can't see them. Goddess refused and told me she wanted to torment me. I wanted to be tormented too.

*****************

However, after writing this I realised what colour they must have been... GOLD! Of course! Close to silver and she was wearing gold makeup! GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Oh well... I hope goddess enjoys the $100 extra she got from me today... she earned it :-)

Dear Mistress Lilyan, #2

Yesterday I was trying to be "strong" and make a decision that i thought was better for me and my future. My actions and reasoning for them was misguided and, despite my best efforts to be otherwise, disrespectful of your power and superiority.

My letter to you went against everything this blog is supposed to be about. I'm supposed to be handing my life over to you, submitting control. Yesterday I was trying to resist this. Yes it's true that my battle to resist this process is part of the blog too, but the manner in which i was doing it was disrespectful to you.

You are the most beautiful and powerful woman i've ever seen. This includes all woman... real woman, fictional woman and the woman that until now made up my wildest fantasies. Men are known for fantasizing about a "dream woman" that will always exist solely in their head. They dream about meeting that woman one day... even if just for one fleeting moment... but they rarely do. I've been remarkably lucky to meet a woman who goes beyond my wildest fantasies, one who offered me the opportunity to serve her and give my life to her. Yet, in a moment of misguided madness, I chose to resist this offer.

Your offer to me is the greatest gift I could ever receive. One that should be cherished and appreciated. I have no choice but to give everything I can in return for such a gift. By doing this i can feel closer to you... feel your warmth, your power and your presence. This is all that matters. The concerns I had yesterday are entirely insignificant when I compare what I can receive by serving you. In fact, I can't even think about what those concerns are anymore... those thoughts have been replaced by images of you and how great it would feel to serve you in a session this week.

Mistress Lilyan, i beg you, please forgive me for my errors and allow me to see you this week. It's something I crave, something i need, more than anything else in the world right now. I'll do anything you wish in return for such an honour, it's all I can think about right now. I'll present my wallet, my mind and my life to you once again to do with as you please. I need it so bad... PLLLLLLLEASE Goddess I'm down on my knees now... I beg you, please.

Forever yours,
Mylifetolilyan

Dear Mistress Lilyan,

This is an open letter and public declaration to Mistress Lilyan.

As you know, I'm currently battling within myself to resist buying a session with you this week. I was close to caving in earlier today when you were modeling your nude stockings in freechat. Luckily you went to a private session right when i was ready to crack. However, I assure you that was nothing but a momentary lapse of strength. My resolve is stronger than you realise.

I writing to inform you that I will not give in. I will continue to fight and resist your powers and not purchase a show from you this month. I'm sorry but this is something i must do for myself.

I can't afford to spend any more this month plus i really feel like this is all moving so fast... my head is swimming and i feel dizzy and overcome with lust when I see you. I was aware that I might have such feelings when i started this blog but i had no idea that the feelings would be so powerful and so dominant over my other basic senses... they have the potential to overtake any rational or common sense thoughts I have which is not something I anticipated at all. I can't have my urges to serve you feel more important than my basic primal needs. I won't let that happen.

So I'm afraid I'm going to have to refrain from any sessions with you during August. I'll continue to be in your freechat room as ordered and i'll also continue to follow your orders to not cum without your permission. Despite my fears and concerns right now, I remain a devoted slave to you. I still wish to serve you to my fullest potential. It will be my pleasure to continue to do so too... providing you are still willing to allow me to.

I hope this letter doesn't come across as disrespectful in any way, I'm only trying to stay within my limits and not get in too deep so soon. I set these limits at the beginning of the blog and I need to maintain those to avoid losing complete control. I really hope you understand and won't be angry with me. I'm sure you will continue to try and convince me otherwise but as I said before, my mind is made up that i will not see you this month. I really hope you understand. I promise to serve you in the way you deserve next month once I'm working again.


Forever your devoted slave,
David

Can i resist Mistress Lilyan?

So today is another day home alone, Mistress Lilyan is in freechat rooms, and I'm feeling particularly weak and desperate today. Very vulnerable.

It's been a while since i cum... well actually it's 9 days which i guess isn't so long for some people but very long for me. However, when having thoughts about the sexiest woman i've ever encountered running through my head so much I think it makes it that much more difficult. There are many occasions when Goddess' image will pop into my head. Sometimes it will be at home alone and i may rub myself through my pants as I embrace such lovely images. However, there's other occasions in public, or even worse, when with my girlfriend when this happens. In those situations i have to hide the bulge in my pants and try to remove the image from my mind... Achieving such removal has proven increasingly difficult over the past few weeks.

As one can imagine, being denied orgasm makes these thoughts much more powerful. They are harder to fight against due to their intoxicating power and the undeniable fact that a part of me craves these thoughts. An addiction is forming inside of me, I crave contact with Goddess. I crave her attention and I crave to hear her voice and see her body... and feel her power. When I'm unable to get what i crave, my mind recreates the experience in my mind... to satisfy my craving. It's something I can't control.

The problem i have is i'm supposed to study right now... for myself and for my future life with Goddess. Studying is becoming increasingly difficult. I have 3 major assignments due later this month and i'm not allowed to cum without Mistress Lilyan's permission. Unsurprisingly, permission has been denied unless I can pay for a session.

Funds for me right now are very tight, but I could stretch myself and pay for a session... However, this really will be stretching... so much so that i'll need to have some financial assistance from my girlfriend and family over the next month when i'm not working. This is something that doesn't sit very well with me... I don't want to be financially dependent on others.

More importantly, right from the start I've told Goddess that i wouldn't be able to buy a session with her while i'm not working. When i told her she gave one of her warm, welcoming smiles, looked at me with her beautiful blue eyes and told me she understood my request and wouldn't demand I buy a session. However, she later set some rules that I must obey. She told me i mustn't cum, with my GF or by myself, without her permission. When she told me this she once again stared deep into me and smiled. Although this time the smile and stare was one of power, dominance and control. with her words and expression she was telling me that she didn't need to demand i buy a session because she believed that i'd begging to have one with her despite my tight finances. She felt very confident that her teasing, her seduction and her power would be irresistible.

So now we are where she anticipated. It hasn't even been 2 weeks yet and I'm already weak and vulnerable. I'm desperate to cum, to worship her in session and to please her. It's absolutely vital that i resist these urges to show Goddess that I still have some strength and resistance. If i fail to resist then she knows that she can use her powers to make me pay... to prioritise my life to her whims... to become her moneyslave.

Moneyslavery is one thing i'm getting quite concerned about. Right now I have strong, almost uncontrollable urges. Like many men I have my fetishes and some arouse more than others. However, moneyslavery and financial domination is one fetish that isn't as strong as some of the others. However, it's something i'm interested in and like many men I've browsed blogs and websites devoted to moneyslavery... doing this reveals how dangerous this fetish can be... how addictive and damaging it is. By buying a session when funds are so tight, I really feel that i'm getting closer to moneyslavery... and i'm sure Mistress Lilyan is well aware of this too. She's so good at mindfucking that she will surely cease the opportunity to make my craving for moneyslavery grow. Maybe she can make me get a rush out of spending money i shouldn't then having to rely on others financially? That can then lead to me spending their money! Or getting loans from them... Or even accessing their accounts! I know Goddess has the ability to do this because she's boasted about doing this very thing in her blog.

Right now I can resist any requests she'd make of this nature, and i'm sure she knows this too. However, after more sessions of brainwashing I'm not sure if i could... and i'm certain she knows this too!

So it's vital that I resist her teasing this weekend... She'll surely try to convince me to book a session with her this week. She knows my weaknesses and she is very powerful. However, I feel that i can win this battle. I must give myself hope! I'll do everything i can to resist... to fight her power. I can still run this blog and serve her while keeping a certain part of myself in control and not surrendering entirely. This is what I said i'd do and i must continue down that path. A path that will be pleasurable and wonderful for myself and, I'm sure, for Goddess too. I can feel Goddess trying to make me change paths though, to one much darker and more dangerous... The pleasure can be stronger and more intoxicating, yet also damaging too. Goddess would probably enjoy this path more... would i enjoy it more too? I'm honestly not sure right now... i get the feeling the answer is "no" but i'm slowly changing my opinion... or to be more accurate, my opinion is being slowly changed. It's a change i must fight against... for now....

Mistress Lilyan is my drug

So today is one of those days that i'm home with my GF. Mistress Lilyan is in freechat so a short time ago i quickly had a peek in her room. My apartment is very small so using the computer in privacy is very difficult... and risky! But i had an opportunity to peek just for 2 minutes.

What I saw in those 2 minutes was well beyond my expectations. She was wearing PVC! Yes that's right... a sexy PVC dress. This is the first time I've seen her dressed in something so dominant. Then she was also wearing lace gloves and sexy nylons. I was overcome when i first saw her. I was standing at the time (the laptop was on a shelf in a cupboard) and my knees literally buckled and i had to do all i could to restrain myself from gasping loudly. This was a whole new level. Or at least it felt that way... several new levels in fact. How is this so? Is my Goddess getting sexier? Or am I just falling deeper and deeper under her power?

During this time my GF was on the couch... within eyesight of me. She started to stand up so i had to close the window. However, she was going to have a shower! This small piece of information filled me with excitement... I could spend another few minutes with Mistress Lilyan and with sound too!

The very second i heard the shower turn on i rushed back into her room and put my headphones on. I informed my Goddess that i was back and could hear her now... She greeted me with her sexy tone... her greeting spoke volumes... it was full of confidence and awareness of how deep i was trapped into her world. She started running her lace gloves over her pantyhose clad legs... the sound sent shivers up my spine... my knees buckled again. The rush or ecstasy that ran over me was greater than any real-life sexual stimulus I could receive... more so than a passionate kiss... Just to listen and watch her run her hands over her legs. The feeling i felt was far greater than i could anticipate... it really did feel like i was getting a hit of a drug i craved... it was about 4 or 5 days since i'd seen her on cam... i was feeling withdrawal before now.

She is right... i'm an addict and she is my drug.

My life with Mistress Lilyan so far

I wanted to say that this is my first post for a while but it's only been 3 days! But it feels like ages! We've had differing schedules recently so haven't caught each other online very often either. However, she feels just as present in my mind as ever.

I've been working hard to please her and applied for a small temp job during my holidays... in an effort to be able to tribute her in the way she deserves... Despite the work I do here on this blog i still owe her so much more. She's already started to change my life for the better so i need to repay her for that. However, I do this out of adoration and love more than anything else. Pleasing her pleases me immensely.

I feel that we are able to enter another phase soon... I'm not allowed to cum unless I'm in session with her and my last session was one week ago. This is a reasonably long time for me and my constant thoughts of her makes it much harder. However, it's my duty to myself and my future with Mistress Lilyan that i achieve good scores in my studies... so i need to stay focused on that. As my financial situation isn't so stable over the next couple of months, it would be quite irresponsible of me to pay for another session so soon... but i feel i need it really badly. I have the feeling that Mistress Lilyan knows this as well. It's part of her plan to use orgasm denial to lure me deeply into financial domination and slavery. To be her moneyslave. It seems some new battlegrounds are being drawn up now... I haven't won previously but I need to try and win this time. I must resist the urge to see her again so soon. But how can I resist her powers?

Despite this issue, I'm still overwhelmingly happy to have Mistress Lilyan in my life... I do say the phrase "in my life" however with each passing day it gets closer and closer to "control my life" That's what I'm simultaneously urging and resisting... to have Mistress Lilyan control my life.