So today is another day home alone, Mistress Lilyan is in freechat rooms, and I'm feeling particularly weak and desperate today. Very vulnerable.
It's been a while since i cum... well actually it's 9 days which i guess isn't so long for some people but very long for me. However, when having thoughts about the sexiest woman i've ever encountered running through my head so much I think it makes it that much more difficult. There are many occasions when Goddess' image will pop into my head. Sometimes it will be at home alone and i may rub myself through my pants as I embrace such lovely images. However, there's other occasions in public, or even worse, when with my girlfriend when this happens. In those situations i have to hide the bulge in my pants and try to remove the image from my mind... Achieving such removal has proven increasingly difficult over the past few weeks.
As one can imagine, being denied orgasm makes these thoughts much more powerful. They are harder to fight against due to their intoxicating power and the undeniable fact that a part of me craves these thoughts. An addiction is forming inside of me, I crave contact with Goddess. I crave her attention and I crave to hear her voice and see her body... and feel her power. When I'm unable to get what i crave, my mind recreates the experience in my mind... to satisfy my craving. It's something I can't control.
The problem i have is i'm supposed to study right now... for myself and for my future life with Goddess. Studying is becoming increasingly difficult. I have 3 major assignments due later this month and i'm not allowed to cum without Mistress Lilyan's permission. Unsurprisingly, permission has been denied unless I can pay for a session.
Funds for me right now are very tight, but I could stretch myself and pay for a session... However, this really will be stretching... so much so that i'll need to have some financial assistance from my girlfriend and family over the next month when i'm not working. This is something that doesn't sit very well with me... I don't want to be financially dependent on others.
More importantly, right from the start I've told Goddess that i wouldn't be able to buy a session with her while i'm not working. When i told her she gave one of her warm, welcoming smiles, looked at me with her beautiful blue eyes and told me she understood my request and wouldn't demand I buy a session. However, she later set some rules that I must obey. She told me i mustn't cum, with my GF or by myself, without her permission. When she told me this she once again stared deep into me and smiled. Although this time the smile and stare was one of power, dominance and control. with her words and expression she was telling me that she didn't need to demand i buy a session because she believed that i'd begging to have one with her despite my tight finances. She felt very confident that her teasing, her seduction and her power would be irresistible.
So now we are where she anticipated. It hasn't even been 2 weeks yet and I'm already weak and vulnerable. I'm desperate to cum, to worship her in session and to please her. It's absolutely vital that i resist these urges to show Goddess that I still have some strength and resistance. If i fail to resist then she knows that she can use her powers to make me pay... to prioritise my life to her whims... to become her moneyslave.
Moneyslavery is one thing i'm getting quite concerned about. Right now I have strong, almost uncontrollable urges. Like many men I have my fetishes and some arouse more than others. However, moneyslavery and financial domination is one fetish that isn't as strong as some of the others. However, it's something i'm interested in and like many men I've browsed blogs and websites devoted to moneyslavery... doing this reveals how dangerous this fetish can be... how addictive and damaging it is. By buying a session when funds are so tight, I really feel that i'm getting closer to moneyslavery... and i'm sure Mistress Lilyan is well aware of this too. She's so good at mindfucking that she will surely cease the opportunity to make my craving for moneyslavery grow. Maybe she can make me get a rush out of spending money i shouldn't then having to rely on others financially? That can then lead to me spending their money! Or getting loans from them... Or even accessing their accounts! I know Goddess has the ability to do this because she's boasted about doing this very thing in her blog.
Right now I can resist any requests she'd make of this nature, and i'm sure she knows this too. However, after more sessions of brainwashing I'm not sure if i could... and i'm certain she knows this too!
So it's vital that I resist her teasing this weekend... She'll surely try to convince me to book a session with her this week. She knows my weaknesses and she is very powerful. However, I feel that i can win this battle. I must give myself hope! I'll do everything i can to resist... to fight her power. I can still run this blog and serve her while keeping a certain part of myself in control and not surrendering entirely. This is what I said i'd do and i must continue down that path. A path that will be pleasurable and wonderful for myself and, I'm sure, for Goddess too. I can feel Goddess trying to make me change paths though, to one much darker and more dangerous... The pleasure can be stronger and more intoxicating, yet also damaging too. Goddess would probably enjoy this path more... would i enjoy it more too? I'm honestly not sure right now... i get the feeling the answer is "no" but i'm slowly changing my opinion... or to be more accurate, my opinion is being slowly changed. It's a change i must fight against... for now....
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