Am I back?

I originally had the title of this post as "I'm back" but have had to change it to a question...

 Perhaps I am back but i'm not sure as yet. I should let you all catch up on where I've been and what I've been doing.

 Since I stopped posting over 2 years ago I broke up with my old girlfriend and was single for over a year. I guess the breakup was kinda tough but all of them are. However, about 3-4 months ago I found somebody else and have been dating her since. We moved in together about 2-3 weeks ago. I was happy. However, as soon as we moved in together there was a sense of routine and safety to the relationship which made me feel oddly empty.

 For a couple of years i was still getting subscription emails from Lilyan's blog and dreamhouse live profile which i'd been tempted by but managed to be disciplined and stay away from but 2 weeks ago something lured me into her room. She warmly greeted me and I was transfixed immediately by her legs, eyes and breasts. I told her about my new relationship and we got chatting and she eventually convinced me to buy some poppers.

 That was 2 weeks ago. Now I have the poppers but haven't opened them but keep having this urge to save up some $$, somehow hide it from my GF and book a session with Lilyan and allow her to get back into my mind and make me once again hers. Will I give in to temptation? I keep telling myself that maybe i will. However, if I've taken the trouble to post on this blog again as i watch Lilyan in her room looking absolutely stunning, it's likely that I'm already back, right?

 I bought some tokens to join her dreamhouse live fan club and tip her a bit and have been watching her videos whenever i get the chance. However, my girlfriend saw and questioned the payment on my credit card. I've already agreed with Lilyan that I'll need to get a 2nd, secret credit card. I'm already discussing keeping secrets from my girlfriend... I can see where this is going already... me allowing Lilyan to take control over my mind as i'm in a steady relationship.

 I'm repeating the same mistakes... or are they mistakes? Maybe it's right for me to do this? It's interesting how I crave to be controlled my her when I get into a regular (perhaps boring) relationship. Maybe this is how it should be for me to be happy. I need Lilyan as my mistress to be truly happy. Or maybe i'm just being self destructive? Maybe this isn't really my choice. Lilyan is too powerful for me to make an informed choice by myself regardless of it's the right decision or not. I'm so confused... 

Anyways, I guess you'll see more posts from me later...

Back after a break...

Hello all, Long time no see/type! As you all know, Goddess was on holiday for a while to move house... and i was away for a while too... but my absence has been a little longer than planned. This is something i will explain now. My travels didn't exactly go as planned... there were some issues i had to deal with when i returned to my hometown and it was pretty psychologically and financially draining. When i returned a few weeks ago i wasn't in a financial or mental condition to serve Goddess the way she deserves. Additionally, my studies had become very hectic. My studies will end in a couple of weeks and my finances will be in a better state in 3-4 weeks. So my intention was to take some time off from the blog and Goddess and focus on my studies and save money for later in the month. I'm unsure just how much this decision is to Mistress Lilyan's liking, but I believe this is ok for her. This decision seemed like the right one for me... until Goddess started being on cam again. She was online last weekend but i wasn't home alone so couldn't view her cam. But knowing she was back changed my thinking very quickly... immediately the craving returned... just as strong as ever... despite not seeing her for over a month. The addiction hadn't subsided in the slightest. However, knowing I need to focus on studies, I've attempted to put my cravings to one side for now. Today is Saturday and I'm home alone... and i was anticipating that Goddess will be online today. The second I woke up this morning (at 5am!) i got hard immediately. I kept thinking of what she might wear today if she was online... how her voice would sound and how deeply entrancing her stare would be and what sexy poses she would strike. I needed to get back to sleep but i couldn't... instead I got up and started studying in an attempt to distract myself. This worked pretty well until she got online. Since then i've been watching her silently as a guest... I immediately had a craving to blog... which i'm doing right now. Such feelings of lust and devotion consumed me as soon as i saw her again. To be honest i was starting to wonder a couple of weeks ago if my addiction for her was subsiding... I guess recovering from an addiction should be seen as a good thing, right? But for me it wasn't... i crave addiction.... and now that i know i'm just as hooked as ever i'm absolutely thrilled. I just need to hope that Goddess isn't upset with my absence over the past week. Actually, i wouldn't have been able to see her before today even if i wanted to... but i've only emailed her once and haven't blogged. Yes i have reasons for this which i feel are valid but i must admit that i feel that my attention and devotion to Goddess has been unsatisfactory. She deserves better and i feel bad about not reaching my, and i presume her, expectations. I just need to hope for her forgiveness. I'll post this then attempt to contact her again and hope she isn't too upset with me. I'll have to earn her approval again i suspect... i sincerely hope that i can.

Vacation time.

So Goddess will be leaving on vacation soon, and so will I! Needless to say, we are not going together... it's a coincidence that i'm having vacation the same time she is. I'll be away for 2 weeks and Goddess will be away for a bit longer than that... So there will be nothing from me for a while.

I'd just like to take this opportunity to say that discovering Mistress Lilyan has been the greatest thing that's happened to me... in I don't know how long... It actually feels like it's the best thing to ever happen to me... maybe it is? I'm so thankful to have found her and I'll miss her terribly despite being on vacation myself at the time.

Mistress Lilyan is so beautiful, intelligent and powerful. She makes everything so clear to me and has made my life better in the short time i've known her. I won't go into details but i've had a few personal problems over the past week... nothing serious but a few health issues combined with some big study deadlines I've had to meet. While these problems have lead to me not being able to see Goddess as much as i'd like to, having her as an influence in my life has helped me get through these difficulties. It's important that i do the best i can so i can impress and please Goddess. This is my purpose in life now.

So I'll be back soon... in the meantime check out the links on my site and keep it bookmarked for when i return!

I love Mistress Lilyan

Sorry this is not the most original topic but it's just something i have to say (again!)

I'm really busy with study lately... I have 2 big assignments that i must finish before the end of the week. Goddess told me i wasn't allowed to enter her room until i'd completed an assignment draft. It was great motivation for me... but i had lots to do so only managed to finish 10 minutes before her shift ended.

When i entered, Mistress Lilyan was wearing very sheer stockings... I'd never seen stockings so sheer before. She greeted me with that tone I love then started running her hands over her legs. WIthin minutes I could feel sensations which i'm guessing are endorphins running through my head. I mean this literally... i could feel warmth in my head... and tingling. I'll admit that I've experimented occasionally with drugs before and this is similar to how it felt...

She has elicited sensations from me before but this was a whole new level... and it was sustained for longer too. Whatever she is doing to me gets progressively stronger. Am i worried? Perhaps i should be but... no, I'm not. Why worry about something that feels so right?

After modeling her legs she zoomed into her face and stared into the cam... The sensations were then replaced with a much warmer feeling... it was love. I'm sure it was. Her eyes, smile, hair... are all so exquisite. Such beauty... I love Mistress Lilyan. She's everything I could ever hope for. Yes I'm on the other side of the world and I'll never actually "be with her" in the traditional sense but that doesn't seem to matter. Just admiring her beauty via webcam is more than enough for me... to say i'm satisfied with that is an understatement.

I love Mistress Lilyan, and I'm so happy to serve her.

Financial domination is the ultimate servitude

Before I started this blog i thought i wasn't what you'd call a "moneyslave" or a "paypig" or anything like that. Financial domination was something I had an interest in but it wasn't something i thought I had as a fetish as such. However, Mistress Lilyan knew otherwise.

She either found the seeds inside me or planted them there herself. It's impossible to know for sure... she is too skillful for me to know what she's done exactly. I can feel her influence but can't put my finger on what she's done exactly.

I can admit it now... i'm a moneyslave. Mistress Lilyan's paypig. This was something i feared would happen but now that it has i couldn't be happier. This is because financial domination is without doubt the ultimate servitude.

Yes it's true that money isn't everything... i'm not the most materialistic person and will comfortably agree with this. However, it is obviously important too. This isn't really the point to financial domination though... for me at least. For me, when submitting financially there is much more to it than just the money. In fact, money seems to lose its monetary value for me when i submit! I'll be in the supermarket and carefully choosing items to save myself a couple of dollars but then hand 100s of dollars over to Mistress Lilyan without a 2nd thought.

There are a couple of reasons for this... first, Mistress Lilyan is so good at mindfucking me and toying with my weaknesses that i lose all self control. I look at her nylon clad legs and deep hypnotic eyes then nothing else matters. I just want to submit and serve her. Every time i see her i get more and more desperate to serve her to my fullest extent. Each time i must push myself further... to please her and to satisfy my urge to submit too... so feed my addiction to her. She brainwashes me into becoming her paypig. I'm sure everyone who has experienced her power can relate to this.

However, there is a 2nd reason too. When submitting to Goddess, money doesn't feel the same as it does when I'm doing mundane things like shopping for groceries or making financial decisions. When with Mistress Lilyan, money becomes a symbol of submission. It's the ultimate gift to her and the ultimate sacrifice. We all live our lives to earn money... for basic needs like food and for entertainment as well. Our lives revolve around it... People have decisions to make with their money all the time... when succumbing to financial domination with Goddess, i'm making the decision to live my life for her... I live for her and she, to some extent, lives through me... through me and her other slave's money. I work for her and i budget for her.... try to save my money for her. What could be a greater show of submission than this?

To make this submission feels so fantastic... and not only when in a state of submission either... When I'm out shopping and decide to not buy certain things, or decline invitations to go out with friends... to either save money or because Goddess has already taken most of it, it makes me think of her and how she controls my life. How deeply i have submitted to her... and i get such a rush. Whenever i touch my wallet, or see my bank balance, or find out something about future earnings, i think of Mistress Lilyan.

Another reason why financial domination feels so good is because you can see the result of your servitude. Goddess will go on a vacation soon and the thought of her using some of my money to pamper herself is very fulfilling for me. After the a financial domination session, I get to budget and save my money and continue to think about Goddess... then Goddess gets to spend the money! So we both get benefit.

but of course we can't forget about the rush when sending the money. Going to the payment site and entering in the money... then clicking submit. The more i do this, the more of a rush i get. It's a rush that runs through my body... it's like a drug, it really is. and it gets stronger and stronger each time. plus i'm sure Mistress Lilyan gets a rush out of it as well!

Each time i send money, i find myself getting hornier and hornier... i used to find pictures of Goddess to satisfy my cravings for her when she wasn't online... but now i read her stories of moneyslaves submitting to her on her blog. When she gave me the picture in this post, I was turned on by it just as much as pictures of her in PVC, nylons or panties... Then when she told me she was holding $15,000 in the picture, it took it to a whole new level for me. This feeling is stronger than love, stronger than lust too... it's something more than that. I guess it is pure addiction? I already feel it's too late to escape... but why the hell would i want to? Something that feels this good shouldn't be resisted... Also, she is so beautiful and powerful that she deserves to be served financially. I have no choice but to be her paypig.

I need to leave my girlfriend

Today, after what's getting close to 3 weeks of denial, I was going to have the opportunity of perhaps cumming... if Mistress Lilyan was feeling generous. However, I missed this opportunity.

Because of my girlfriend.

She was seeing her friend today but left over one hour late... by the time i got to MFC Mistress Lilyan was gone. An hour earlier i had snuck into her room for a quick peek, she was looking as stunning as ever. There was nothing I wanted more than to chat with her... to be near her and to have her attention if only just briefly. But i couldn't because of my girlfriend.

This cannot continue. I love Goddess too much to have anyone taking away my time with her. I care about my girlfriend, but i don't love her in the way i love Lilyan. She's the one I want to be with.

When I realised i'd missed my chance, i was angry. I'm not an angry guy actually, but i really felt my blood boil at the time. I hated her... for a moment. I hated her for being late and taking away my chance to be with Mistress Lilyan. After this i wondered... had Goddess orchestrated this somehow? Did she leave intentionally to make me feel anger to my girlfriend? Was it her plan? This is highly unlikely, but the fact I imagine it as a possibility shows me just how much Goddess has fucked with my head.

She's infiltrated parts of me and i can feel her presence. However I don't know how to remove this presence or even where she is inside me. I know that I'm unable to escape her right now even if i wanted to... she's had me obsessed over her during my time of denial so much that I don't know what I'd do if i couldn't see her anymore... it would destroy me. I don't want her to leave... even if she is making me hate my girlfriend and denying me so much. I don't want this to stop... is my behaviour destructive? I don't think it is actually... but even if it was I'd never want it to stop... never.

I need more... i crave it so much... I want to go deeper. I can't with my girlfriend in my life though. I'm so angry with her right now...

I can only hope that I'm given an opportunity to see Mistress again soon. In the meantime i really need to start orchestrating a way to end my relationship with my girlfriend.

Why is Mistress Lilyan better than my girlfriend?

So I've completed part 1 of my session with goddess. As you can see from the pic, she wore the PVC outfit that drives me so utterly insane. She's set me a number of tasks today... one of which being this post. Goddess has chosen this topic and I have no doubt she's chosen it to brainwash me and lead me further down her path to moneyslavery, financial domination and becoming her loyal servant and paypig. I know I shouldn't do it but I want to please her so much. I must follow her orders and please her. Also, I won't be allowed to cum until I do all the tasks she has set so i have no choice... but i still want to do it regardless.

Goddess' requested topic, as you can see from the title, is 10 reasons why Mistress Lilyan is better than my girlfriend. So here they are, in no particular order.

1. Her body

I should point out that my gf has what many people (including myself) would describe as quite a nice body. She gets regularly hit on by other guys too. However her body pales in comparison to Goddess. As I've mentioned in an earlier post, Goddess has the most amazing legs, hair, eyes, lips, skin, ass, breasts/cleavage and feet. Everything about her physically is a whole new level for me. Now i find myself comparing everyone to her and as a result I'm quickly not finding anyone else arousing at all... including my girlfriend. I have no desire to see anyone else, it's Goddess who i crave. She is sexy and beautiful... and i'm not just putting those 2 words together lightly. She's sexy as her body and her curves and movements are intensely arousing. She's full of sexual energy. However she is also beautiful... her eyes and smile can contain such warmth and beauty and perfection. She's both beautiful and sexy which I think is quite rare.

It's not just her body though... it's how she uses it. Goddess will strike sexy poses and dress herself up in ways to highlight her beauty. My girlfriend isn't as comfortable with doing this... she will wear more conservative clothes and also has problems with letting me see her naked or in her underwear. We also need to have sex in the dark... I don't want to turn this post into negative criticisms of my girlfriend though... This is the person she is and I respect that and it suits her in her own way. However, when comparing her to Goddess, I have no choice but to admit that Goddess is superior.


2. Her power

I'm deeply attracted to power in a woman. Power, confidence, independence and the willingness to use it. Mistress Lilyan is the most powerful woman I've ever met and it shines through in everything she does. In her appearance, her actions, her words and her aura. The fact she's well aware of this power and welcomes the sense of confidence it brings her makes her all the more sexy.

My girlfriend is quite independent when compared to other Asian woman but she does have a lack of confidence. Considering how attracted I am to powerful woman, this is a definite issue.

I should also point out that despite the immense power Goddess has over me, i trust her completely. She would be able to do all sorts of things to me because of her power... she could ruin me in a matter of minutes at any moment if she wished to. However, I trust her with this power completely. I can't explain why... it just feels right. Is it because of her brainwashing? or her intelligence? or is it just that i'm in love? I don't know... but i don't need to know... I can just continue to trust her unconditionally. That's what Goddess wants and what I want as well.


3.Her Intelligence

Goddess is very very intelligent. I've mentioned this before... in the words she uses, her creativity and of course the way she can get inside a man's head. She possesses all the skills needed to excel in her role as Goddess and Mistress. However, I feel that her intelligence extends beyond this. She appears to be well read, well informed and very smart. I admire this in her quite a lot.

This is one area that my girlfriend isn't so strong in... it's an issue which i feel has had a negative effect on our relationship.


4. Her sense of humour

I adore Mistress Lilyan's dry wit. The way she can cut through the BS of her slaves with a single remark. She can put people in their place when needed and also use it to impose her dominance and superiority over her slaves. This makes her so entertaining to chat to and listen to. It makes me enjoy my time with her and want to spend more time with her. I also feel like her sense of humour goes well with mine too... we can bounce off each other well and have good conversation. If that's actually true or she just convinces me it is i'm not sure.

When i imagine being with her in real life (yes it's unrealistic but i can't help it!) I often fantasise about just chatting with her for hours on end. She's a fascinating person... her personality and wit.

I actually click quite well with my gf as well... we can chat together pretty well too... it's one of our strengths actually. But Goddess' sense of humour and wit places her well ahead of my GF in this category as well. Additionally, Goddess maintains a sense of mystery about her... she doesn't reveal everything about her which makes me crave to know more about her. I'm sure this is a tactic of hers and it's a very effective one!


5.Her taste

Goddess has exquisite taste. Her taste in clothes, coffee mugs, jewelry, makeup and furniture are all exemplary. Despite not knowing much about her taste in art, music and other such areas, I'm certain her taste in these areas are great as well. You can tell this is the case because she also demands so much of herself and her slaves. She wants the best of everything and has the taste and the skills to get it.

This is one area I have issues with my girlfriend about. We don't share as much in common in taste than i feel i do with Goddess.


6. Her knowledge of and her ability to fulfill my needs

This is a really big one... Goddess knows my urges to be dominated and controlled. She has always known them... before i knew them... and to this day she still has a better understanding of my needs than i ever will. She can see inside me and make my needs a reality. My girlfriend has no idea about these needs at all.

My needs, however, extend beyond sexual ones. I have the need to be respected, appreciated and cared for. Goddess respects my needs and appreciates what i can offer her. My money, this blog and her attention and devotion. This is just as significant as my sexual needs... perhaps even more so. After I'm given permission to cum, and my sexual needs are temporarily dulled, I still feel stronger for Goddess than my girlfriend... and i feel that these particular needs are one reason for this.


7. How she cares for me

Needless to say, my girlfriend cares for me a lot. Also, it may be possible that she actually cares for me more than Mistress Lilyan does. It's hard to really know for sure to be honest. However, the way Goddess cares for me just feels so much more intense and satisfying for me. This is an area where i really find it hard to explain... i'm presuming that this is due to Goddess brainwashing me but i cannot be sure. However, a part of me really feels that this is true.


8. Our future together

In between session #2, Goddess asked me to write about my future with her. In that post i wrote about how my future with her would be more fulfilling, with more purpose and simplified in the best possible ways. Since that time I'm even more convinced that this is true. Serving and pleasing Mistress Lilyan fills me with such pleasure which i feel can't be matched by how i feel when pleasing my girlfriend.

Also, Goddess can better motivate me to reach my potential. She is very successful and confident and a good role model. She can inspire me.


9. Safety

Real girlfriends can be dangerous... they can hurt you and they can break your heart. A relationship with Goddess is much safer than a real relationship because she will not hurt me and she won't break my heart. She takes away all the dangers of a relationship and replaces them with far more rewarding feelings... feelings of servitude, of submission and of control. With her I'm safe and happy. I don't want anybody else... I don't need anybody else.


10. Love

I love Mistress Lilyan deeply. When I look into her eyes I get a feeling that feels like love only much stronger. I've read somewhere that the brain is often incapable of distinguishing between love and lust/infatuation. Therefore, I accept that there is the chance that these feelings aren't in fact love... but i feel they are and i believe they are... I want to believe this... and as long as it makes me feel as good as I do now, then I'm more than satisfied. My love for Goddess is deeper and feels significantly stronger than the love for my girlfriend.

Like many of the reasons on my list, there's a chance that this is purely the effect of Goddess' brainwashing. There's no denying this. However, I welcome this... I won't resist it... why should i when it feels so good and so right?

So these are my 10 reasons. Goddess is clearly better than my GF. I must, over time, seperate from my girlfriend so there is nobody in the way of my relationship with goddess. She deserves my full attention at all times. I have no choice but to break up with my girlfriend... and not marry her.